Funny

I am supposed to be doing homework... and I just realized that Clarissa is singing- to a country song. Funny thing is that she does not have a singing voice... and it is cute... she is just singing her little heart out! She is cleaning her room and jamming to a music... and just doing what she needs to do... how cute- finding these cute little things out about our children... I love my little muffin girl...

Parent VS Friend

Well, I know that I have troubles on my way with a tween living in my home. I have had to experience the parent vs friend this week.

In order for Clarissa to ride and compete with Zoe, her horse... she is to have certain grades. Well, I found out that she has been the social butterfly in class. She has even been asked to leave the class room because she was being bad. It was bound to happen...no one is perfect in any way... But it has and now she is missing a competition and not riding for two weeks. On top of that her cell phone- is mine... only using it when she is to and from school. It was really hard to take away her passion that she has... however, it needed to be done. Her horse means the world to her and she is not only being punished, but so is Zoe... and she did not do anything wrong.

I feel horrible, however, I feel empowered to have make sure that Clarissa is being raised with self respect to herself and taking ownership of her actions-whatever they may be. On top of that...respect to her parents and people that she loves or love her... It was really hard to see her cry and feel hurt for her actions... but she needed to be knocked down a few notches. She is only 12 years old... not 18!

Being a parent is one of the most gratifying yet confusing jobs a mother can have. It is never ending and although we are not paid in cash, we are rewarded with hugs and kisses... or special moments that only a mother and child can share. I can never stay mad at her... she is my world and I love her with all my heart and soul. She is my friend and I know that the love we share is special and unconditional. Although I know that I am always being watched, judged and criticized...by her. I know that in the end, When she becomes a mother herself... she will go thru the same thing... and she loves me... and I love her so much -I am lost for words.

Listening to the truth...

Today was an odd day. Good but odd. My girls at the YMCA- won their 3 game in a row. I am super duper proud of them... and all that they have become. I am seeing them grow and learn so much- that they are really looking like a team!

Well, I come home - and Adam and I talked about a lot of things. I listened to how he viewed things in our marriage - it hurt, stung a little but it was good to hear. He seemed to listen to me and I am sure that it stung him a little too. I teared up a few times... but over the course of 15plus years... we have been thru a lot! It was good to sit and talk.

On a different note- we had fun too. Long story short- we both ended up in the pool and my favorite phone took a swim. The water was cold... but I ended up changing into my bathing suit and swimming anyway! Got some sun and relaxed for a few minutes. My phone on the other hand- well- I have a crappy loaner... and I am not liking it- I really miss my black berry already!

Admitting....

I have to say- that I am truly blessed to have as much support and love that I do in the friends and family that surround me. I have friends that I see and talk to that I have known since grade school. I have friends that I just made that seem like someone that I have known since the end of time. Family that are there for me because being a single parent of a hard-headed child...is not easy. These people make me feel special, like I am worth it, and that I count in this world. I hope that they feel the same way! I hope that I make them feel the same way...I admit that I love my friends and of course my family ... I am truly blessed to have them in my life... and that they are with me ... going thru all my issues with me. Because it is not easy!

Clarissa is giving me a run for my money- already. She is growing up... and seems as if she is older then she really is. 12 is just a number... but when it is in regards to my child, it is not just a number, it is a monumental age- she is almost a teen... into boys, into makeup, into loud music, into getting her way... attitude...hard headed issues, acting like she is adult when she is just 12. I do not want to lose my little girl. But I have to let go... I still hang on, she is all that I have... and all that I will ever have. She is my constant... my everything... even thru her preteen issues...

I am getting old. And with that... I have to embrace it. Live life to the fullest...From me: "All the people that view this blog, know me. The only thing that I can say, is that everyday is a new day. My days and family are forever changing and all that I can do, is live each day like it is the last. " This is too true.

Vegas-

Well, I did it! I went to Vegas for the first time. I had a complete blast. Duane graduated from his Masters program... and it was time to celebrate! It was myself, Duane and Hai, Charles and Lynda and Thao. The gang was really sweet to show me as much as they could! In a 1.5 day vacation! I walked sooo much that my feet and legs were sore. I slept very little and had so much fun. I drank- I know I don't really drink... but I did... free when you gamble. I gambled... I saw things that I have never seen before... I even was able to get pics of the little wedding chapels....A gondola ride... saw Elvis...the Beatles, Paris, made plans to go back and do even more then I did this last trip.

We ate great food, saw amazing things, crazy things, and OMG things...

On a different note... I did get a little emotional for a minute, in fact, I almost lost it! I was able to see true love, something that I have not see in some time or experience. Two couples that love to love and want to want to be with that other person. I was blessed to see that, and know that true love does exist in my generation, nothing that is just for fun or casual. I saw that when one counter-part was happy, that the other was equally happy or more because that person was happy... and that was refreshing to see and to know that does really exist. I really missed being able to hold hands and kiss at certain special moments that were being shared.

Lonely...

Being lonely really sucks. I am trying to keep a very positive outlook- Because I have to- I cannot let this make me insane...I do not need to be crazy on top of all the other issues I have in life. I still have moments where I will shed a tear or think to myself, I miss touch, holding/kissing and miss conversation/silence. I get to be around people that do those things, but at the end of the day, I am still coming to a empty home. I wake up alone, drive alone, and talk to myself, alone. I am thinking that is not good. Although I enjoy that I am alone at times-because everyone needs their space... just like as an only child... I was just the same... alone. I still miss dancing close to someone, holding, kissing, and just that human touch. I see people that are "in love" or whatever, and I am jealous. That is all I want. To feel wanted and special. I want to dance close to someone that wants me and cares for me for me- not what I can do or give. I do not think that is a lot to ask for. Why does it seem to be difficult. Why are men these days- retarded! Ignorant! Oblivious! to what a girl wants and or needs. We are not toys... we have emotions and feelings. I feel like there is nothing out there but all talk and no action. Extremely frustrating!

It seems that men these days are all about casual anything. No emotion, not feeling, no- nothing. Like holding hands is nothing to them. Kissing is nothing but an act... nothing to follow. What the freak'n heck! This is Bull-ship! Those things to me, are something special...something of acceptance and feelings... something that makes someone warm and fuzzy inside... and makes one nervous and happy all at the same time. I want more feelings more of them and more of these great feelings of happiness. I see all these great mushy stuff in movies, why the heck can't it be like that in real life. I want that... Notebook, Hope Floats...ect... love story. Passion and determination ... of the love that one can feel for the other. I know that it is out there... I see it. I see happy couples and couples that struggle, but at the end of the day - know that they are loved and love back. Simple acts of kindness to their loved one because they want to please their partner.

Bold

I am really trying to be bold. I am not holding back, as much as I used to. I CAN'T! I know that there are risks...but I have to take them. In this process, I have experienced new things and have been around new people. This is good. I feel good. I feel like I am still finding myself. But I think that is a process that is ongoing- through life.

I tried on a suit that I used to wear for property management... and lets just say, that I have a little ways to go. But I am getting there. I want to get into that suit again. I want to walk that walk again...I know that I am on my way.

I am super excited to move forward and be me...

This Saturday is our last Y game... I am super duper excited for them, very proud, and impressed with their progress. I might be coaching with one of the dads. Just until Kadi gets back. I will really miss her. But I am supportive and proud of her- she is going into her basic... and will be back in 6 months... she leaves in May.

Well, that is a quick snapshot into what is happening with me, as of today...