UGH!

Well, this is kind of weird. It is Christmas Eve... and I am not with my little girl. I only get her on Christmas from 11-6... that is it. Not really how I wanted to spend my holiday. Such little time and so much to do. Mom-Mom's house, my parents house and eating in the middle of everything... then I have to give her back to Adam.
So, I am going to stick to my motto... keep moving forward, enjoy what I have and when I have it, and stay positive. That is all that I can do.

Long TIME!

I have been out of commission for a while...
Internet was turned off since Aug... back on - up and going again! Yippy!
Played Softball...done... good season.
Coach Volleyball...signed up for a new season... Clarissa is playing on my team and getting better everyday!
Hiking every chance I get... with friends and on my own- feels really good!
Divorce is final...Finally!
Still in school...as always...sigh!
Getting things done...one day at a time.
Lots of ups and downs...Long story and too much drama to add to my blog- I am sure that you can fill in all the blanks.
Clarissa is good...Tried out for Royalty at the P&M Arena, got 1st and 2nd in Kids on Kritters and Gym Khanna. Has a "boyfriend"-YIKES! Getting taller and full of attitude. But all is good!

Just a quick glimpse... I am alive still- I promise. Just been really busy and without internet for a long time...

Life happens so fast. Sometimes we fall, sometimes we stumble, and sometimes we trip. Either way, we are moving in the forward direction.

We wonder how our lives get so twisted and tangled in life and why we choose to make the desicions that we make. Whether they are good decisions or bad- it is what it is... and as long as you found the lesson or learned from it- then it is all to the good.

There are so mamy things that I would like to say, but somehow I am speechless. My emotions are all over the place, yet I still try to wear a smile and press on. Am I just dismissing it or am I not accknowledging it? I don't know.

There is a whole other world out there that I do not know of- I am super excited yet scared- to do it alone.

Bumpy roads are along my paths that I am taking-and they are getting more lonely then ever- I have a huge support system in place and I am super thankful for them and of them... however, I am still alone.

I just hope that things work out in the end.

Random...

What I want to say and what I can say on this blog- GRRR- So frustrated!

Having a weak moment where I am second guessing myself on everything. Am I pretty.... Am I good enough as a mother, as a person, for others, for myself...Am I good person overall... Am I a good mother at all... Am I doing everything that I was put on this Earth to do...
Because in the last few weeks, I have had mixed messages. I have to say- brings a high- and a real low! Especially if I am a good mother or not. My heart breaks- and I hurt. Tears just ball up thinking about it.

I am just trying to get thru each and every day... I am trying to breathe and still be able to have time for my daughter, myself and the people that are supportive of me. I feel like I am overlooking my life from above and just watching myself stumble and fall flat on my face- over and over again!

Hate feeling like I am up in the air- cuz the wind does stop blowing and dies down enough to fall.

Just know that although I look together, I am so falling apart... Yeah- and that bothers me... But what can I do?

So much on my plate- and I feel like that hole is getting deeper and deeper...

Dating really-BLOWS!

So, with the help of a girlfriend- she finally talked me into the online dating thing. Well, I have seen some crazy things... and OMG-things... It is amazing what people will put on thier profile. and the pics that are on there- WOW! Then to see what they have to say! Well, for the most part they are all looking for the same thing. BUT- some are really out there...

Well, I finally took a chance- and went out on a date. After a lot of texting/emails and a few phone calls, we finally set up some time to meet. He was really nice... kinda quiet... a bit younger then I... but he had his act together. Has a great career... done with school - but lives really far. Date went well. BUT then it got really weird a day later. He started to text me strage questions... -and then it went down hill from there. So, after canceling and leaving it at that... for the second date- a few weeks later, he decided to text me. ???? I politly stated that I was not ready to date... and that I need people that are my support more then I need a relationship - only to get hurt in. I am just not ready. OR at least I do not thing that I am.

So, call me old or old fashioned... but I think that men should open doors and walk with you not in front of the lady. AND to chew with your mouth closed... or not to have a mouth full of food and talk. I dunno- what do you think? I am not going to settle. I am not looking for perfection... but gosh darn it... I want to be treated like a lady... that is really not toooooo much to ask for.

Keeping myself BUSY!

I am just a busy little bee. I am home to sleep. Nothing else. I am out and about... doing things, going places, and just making sure that I am busy- I am thankful that I have a lot of people that are helping me stay busy. CUZ I may just need to check into a Psycho Ward if I don't stay busy.

Friday, went out with friends...I went hiking Saturday, baby shower, shopping, napping, and then out with friends for the evening. Then Sunday, dropped off my car and then dinner and movies with a friend... The movie was a bit award - but funny.... had fun!

Volley ball is gonna start up again in Aug. School starts back up for me in Aug. I will be moved in by Aug. Clarissa will be starting her school in Aug. A lot of change in the next month... and I am ready but not so ready. In fact I am scared to death to live with my parents again. However, I am excited to save some money and get myself back on track. I also want to be around my dad. His health is not so good lately... and that really scares me. I feel that he is falling apart... and I am just watching it happen. I hope that I can help him. So, my goal is 6 months at the most.

Frustrated at me...

Why is it that I am nice... why is it that I can forgive and act like nothing is wrong? When I should be a B**** from hell and speak what I want/have to say (I have no problem telling it like it is- to myself)? Why is it that I show concern when I am mad and still smile like nothing is wrong. Gosh, I am SO effin pissed at myself. Why can't I be a B****... I wish that I could turn off the nice switch and just kick some A** of the people that make me mad or upset.

I totally B****ed myself out the other day... because I was so mad- instead of B****ing out the person that needed it! and when I was able to speak my peace- I didn't. (walked away and felt that I should just punch myself out)- Then I felt that I was wrong when I was the one that was wronged. There is no reason for me to be sorry... no reason to even feel this way. This should have not even happened in the first place.

So, why am I placing so much of my effort into this... I shouldn't! As much as I try to be the B****, I just can't. People tell me, I will teach you- I just laugh- I just can't... I don't want to be known as a B****. No reason to stoop to others level. I don't want to be on that level- that is just not me.