Another year-come and gone...

Well, another year is about to end. So much has happened, it is hard to imagine that this year is now coming to an end. I have seen good things, friends have moved away, I started a change for my future, and started raising a puppy from scratch, cried and laughed and then the worst, experienced deaths...The bottom line is that I have my family and friends by my side. Happy Holidays to all my friends and family. I could not have done it with out you. You are my strength and my shoulder to cry on. I have been able to share my ups and downs, and you seem to still accept me for me and all my imperfections. Thanks. Hugs and kisses to all. Happy New Year...

Kids will be kids. Archer and Andrew were playing in the mall fountain after watching the Hulk movie. They had so much fun! I think that they had more fun playing in the water then watching the movie- man it was really hot that day too! They are getting so big, it seems like yesterday that I was changing diapers and helping them walk. Now, there is Akira, she is about to be two years old...! Clarissa is 9 going on 21...man on man, I feel very old... Glad that I do not look it! LOL

Well, August 29....enough said. I have not posted anything because I feel numb- to the world. The sad thing is, that I really feel horrible that I was not the person that I should have been. What I mean, is that -I am 33 years old... Tiffanie is the youngest cousin on my mom's side of the family. She was 25 when she passed. I should have done my part to get to know her more. I see that side of the family at a birthday for the kids and or Christmas. Other then that, I don't make any attempt to see them. I know that it goes both ways. Somehow, any or all of us, should have made an attempt to be more close. But we don't. I made an attempt to reach out to my family, and at this time, there has not been any response. I am trying!

So, I go to this beautiful funeral, I sit with my family, I cry because the situation is very sad, and as I listen to the things that people say about Tiffanie, they are just simply amazing. I have been to my share of funerals, and by far, this the biggest turn out that I have ever seen. I sit there like a schmuck! I did not get up to say anything because I had nothing to say. I know that she loved horses, and that she was thick minded... I know that she did things the way that she wanted because that is what she wanted. I am ashamed that I did not know her and did not know the wonderful things about Tiffanie. The fact that these other people that were not biological family knew so much and I did not... again, I am ashamed. I should have been there talking in front of the church, telling these people how wonderful she was.

In the last few weeks, I have felt this overwhelming sadness. The words that she stated; that she feared that her kids would forget her. I also feel the sadness of my grandfather...people say that taking ones own life is a selfish way to go, but in this case, I feel that he took his life and was heroic. The fact that he did not want the family to suffer or wait on him hand and foot, takes a lot of consideration. After the autopsy, we found out that his heart had a large percentage of blockage, on top of the cancer.... he was doomed no matter what, it was just a time bomb.

Cancer!!! Why? In one year, there has been 3 deaths of Cancer in my family. Not to mention that Adam's mother passed away with Cancer. His grandmother just was diagnosed with breast cancer...they caught it on time.

I am very sad that this had to happen. Life is -it is what it is.

What a Busy LIFE

Everyday is a new day~I am greatful for everyday that I am given. Life is just not handed to everyone. BUT there is only 24 hours in a day-and I need about 15 or more hours; then I will be set! I get up at 4 or 4:30 and then go to bed at 10 or 11. Sleep is non-existing, as is everything else! I really don't know how I do it. Thru all the things that I have went thru this past year; deaths, school, crying, sweat and hard work, I know that new and different things are coming this year, I wish that I can predict the future so that I can be prepared. Unfortunatly, I am normal-going thru normal things that everyone else goes thru, too. I feel that I am not phased by anything or I am numb! I am not sure if that is normal or not... BUT. I know that I need to be strong and take each day as it comes, keep my game face on. I do know that everyday I am learning something new. AND it is not because I am in school... the things that I am learning are life lessons that are somehow given to me to experience. I guess that is a good thing! Right? I am blessed with a wonderful and spunky daughter and I have a good job, I really should not ask for more... but I do. I always want more; more for Clarissa and more out of me. Life is short, and it flies by so fast. Kids grow up, friends and family come and go...we find new friends and comeback to old friends...life is so wierd~ but kinda exciting too.

LIFE-only happens once

Saturday, I went to see my cousin Tiffanie. She is 25 years old, single mom of two spunky boys; she is dying. She was diagnosed a month ago with a rare cancer- Small Cell Ovarian Cancer. 2% of the US population is diagnosed with this. Because it is so rare, by the time that anyone is able to test and try to help, the patient passes. This cancer is so aggressive and painful. Well, I was able to see a tribute to her at her church...I have been waiting and waiting to see her, excited to hug her and tell her that I love her. I did not recognize her at all. Her face had no color or facial expressions; her eyes were glazed over and she was not able to look straight at me. Her tumor made her look 6 months pregnant and her legs and feet were really swollen. In only 2 weeks, she had drastically changed for the worse. I balled my eyes out the minute that I realized that it was her.
She stated that one fear that she had, was that her boys will not remember her, they are 5 and 3. I am sad to know that she will not be here to raise her boys, and celebrate Christmas with the family...and so on. She will not be there for their first girlfriend, the graduations or weddings. It is so scary how life is so precious and fragile. You only get one shot at life, we need to take it and live it. Enjoy family, friends, and forgive the hurt. Stop resenting others and just be glad that they want to be there for you and you for them.
I can never imagine what it would be like to know that I had only one month to live. I did promise Clarissa that when she graduated, that I would take her to Hawaii, and if anything were to happen like it did for for Tiffanie, you would find me on the beaches of Hawaii...watching Clarissa enjoy the surf.

School AGAIN!

Well I am back in class. I am at my half way point of the degree. I seem to be at ease with all of this. Back in High School, I did well, but I never applied myself to be better. I got by with what ever I got. I needed a C average to play sports and be in all the after school clubs. I like that we are able to do this at our own pace and no one is hovering over me. Well, I take that back- Clarissa. But that is a little different. Anyway, I passed the last two with an A+ and B+. I really am doing this. What I am doing with it after, I have no clue. LOL! The point is, I am doing it! I never thought that I would ever attempt to go back to college and finish. I did not even count my credits from MCC. I don't even remember the classes and or the grades anyway.

I feel that I am setting a good example for Clarissa, by showing her my study habits. I wish that she was focused and organized like I am. She tries, but it is not successful. I try to help, but she likes things her way! I give her mad props that she is very independent and strong willed.

The only classes that I am not looking forward to is the Math....YUCK! I suck at Math ...I purposely put my Math at the end of my degree and am taking one class (Math) at a time. That way I have nothing distracting me besides life in general. Well, I suppose I should finish my homework instead of playing... :-)

Puppy Love

Well, I broke down. I got a new puppy! She is very cute and fun! She is the same breed as Spike, although she may be a combination of a short hair and long hair and she seems longer then Spike already. So, just like a new baby, I am getting up every few hours, taking her potty, playing with her, and making sure that she in not chewing on something that she shouldn't. She is a little handful. I personally don't recall Spike being this way...feisty and chewing on anything that is by his mouth. In the end, she is cute and loves to cuddle. The other two dogs, are getting used to her...it is a work in progress. They are teaching her the ropes, growling when she is not behaving, watching over her and being patient. I am very proud of Spike though; he is getting the raw end of the deal...the worst! He is being a good big brother...every now and again, he will teach her a lesson or two about what is his and what is not.

I feel like I have a baby all over again...hence why I am writing this at 5:52 on a Saturday morning...instead of sleeping in. I actually have been up since 5...and was just up at 3 am...so...needless to say, I am pooped!

School

This was Clarissa's first week of school. She used to go to a school in Tempe. We have lived in Queen Creek for almost 5 years, and she has yet to go to the school 3 houses away from us. So, Adam and I finally took the plunge and sent her to the school 3 houses away. Her first day, I was sad! I took the day off of work, just like I always do. I walk her to school and pick her up on the first day. I will continue to do that, until she makes me stop. I watched her walk to her class; I had a tear start to trickle down, but stopped. I realized that she is getting to be a big girl. I spent the day with Adam, we worked out, got the car washed and did a few errands. After I got home, I went to pick up Clarissa and she ran, full speed at me and was smiling! She hugged me so tight and said that she had so much fun! I am glad that we changed schools. That night we sat together and talked about her day and made sure that she was ready for the next day. It seemed like yesterday, she was just born. So small and fragile...now she is independent, confident and strong.