This and That...

Life is forever changing.  I am at a point where if people do not listen, it is probably not worth it- if they stick around- then congrats!.  I can talk but if people do not listen... then I am sorry, I have to move on.  I don't have time to explain.  I just need to stay focused on the things that are now that will make a difference in my future.  And as of now, it is my child and my school.  I am glad that if people stay by my side, and stay supportive...then when my life is more stable, I can or am able to broaden my focus more.  Each day I find more of me.  And that feels good... I never knew that lost myself.  Each day I am able to see more into what I need to do and how I need to be more bold.  It is really hard concept for me, normally.  I am normally a laid back type of person.  These days... I tell people to get out of my way... make way- I am coming thru.  I feel that I am learning to not take it and not let people step on me... and start moving in a direction that allows me to stand up and take charge. 

There has been a lot of things that have come my way.  They have been hard and sometimes seem unbearable.  However, I do not feel sorry for myself.  Heck, I don't cry about it- it is not worth it.  Just like I say to others... if you fall down, get up, dust yourself off and get back up on that damn horse and ride.  What else can you do?  No reason to blame others, no reason to wallow in the sorrows.... whats done is done.  I focus on my child and what I can do to make our lives better for our future. 

Living with my parents now... not easy.  But I am helping them... they are helping me.  It is a relief.  I feel safe. Clarissa and I are less stressed.  I will not say that I do not have any challenges... Hell, I am 37 and live with my parents.  I never thought that I would do that again.  I am thankful.  I am relieved...

Clarissa is absolutely beautiful.  She is only 13 and is always mistaken for a 16-18 year old.  I look at her and still see her baby face and hear her little voice... mama- I love you.  Like it was yesterday.  Everyday- she is becoming a woman and learning about life.  It is simply amazing that a cute little baby grew up so fast and is making decisions on her own.  We talk, laugh, and have fun, I really could not have asked for a better child.

Life is all about the lessons that we learn.  Some are easy to learn and some take time.  Some are even hard to grasp... But in the end... we are still learning something. 

School is forever there... still.  I am so done with it.  I cannot stand school for me anymore... But I have to finish.  I have come so far... I cannot stop now.  I just know that Clarissa is seeing how important school is.  I have struggled and am struggling... and when I am done with my degree... I hope to show her how that hard work works in our benefit. 

In Feb.  I cut off 12.5 inches of my hair.  It was awesome!  I really miss my hair though.  But as usual... I did it for those that bare and suffer thru cancer.  It is an amazing feeling to give to those whom have had to fight for their lives.  This is only a little thing compared to what they went thru. 

So much has happened...

Instead of pouring out my life on this blog... I am just going to say that I am ok.

UGH!

Well, this is kind of weird. It is Christmas Eve... and I am not with my little girl. I only get her on Christmas from 11-6... that is it. Not really how I wanted to spend my holiday. Such little time and so much to do. Mom-Mom's house, my parents house and eating in the middle of everything... then I have to give her back to Adam.
So, I am going to stick to my motto... keep moving forward, enjoy what I have and when I have it, and stay positive. That is all that I can do.

Long TIME!

I have been out of commission for a while...
Internet was turned off since Aug... back on - up and going again! Yippy!
Played Softball...done... good season.
Coach Volleyball...signed up for a new season... Clarissa is playing on my team and getting better everyday!
Hiking every chance I get... with friends and on my own- feels really good!
Divorce is final...Finally!
Still in school...as always...sigh!
Getting things done...one day at a time.
Lots of ups and downs...Long story and too much drama to add to my blog- I am sure that you can fill in all the blanks.
Clarissa is good...Tried out for Royalty at the P&M Arena, got 1st and 2nd in Kids on Kritters and Gym Khanna. Has a "boyfriend"-YIKES! Getting taller and full of attitude. But all is good!

Just a quick glimpse... I am alive still- I promise. Just been really busy and without internet for a long time...

Life happens so fast. Sometimes we fall, sometimes we stumble, and sometimes we trip. Either way, we are moving in the forward direction.

We wonder how our lives get so twisted and tangled in life and why we choose to make the desicions that we make. Whether they are good decisions or bad- it is what it is... and as long as you found the lesson or learned from it- then it is all to the good.

There are so mamy things that I would like to say, but somehow I am speechless. My emotions are all over the place, yet I still try to wear a smile and press on. Am I just dismissing it or am I not accknowledging it? I don't know.

There is a whole other world out there that I do not know of- I am super excited yet scared- to do it alone.

Bumpy roads are along my paths that I am taking-and they are getting more lonely then ever- I have a huge support system in place and I am super thankful for them and of them... however, I am still alone.

I just hope that things work out in the end.

Random...

What I want to say and what I can say on this blog- GRRR- So frustrated!

Having a weak moment where I am second guessing myself on everything. Am I pretty.... Am I good enough as a mother, as a person, for others, for myself...Am I good person overall... Am I a good mother at all... Am I doing everything that I was put on this Earth to do...
Because in the last few weeks, I have had mixed messages. I have to say- brings a high- and a real low! Especially if I am a good mother or not. My heart breaks- and I hurt. Tears just ball up thinking about it.

I am just trying to get thru each and every day... I am trying to breathe and still be able to have time for my daughter, myself and the people that are supportive of me. I feel like I am overlooking my life from above and just watching myself stumble and fall flat on my face- over and over again!

Hate feeling like I am up in the air- cuz the wind does stop blowing and dies down enough to fall.

Just know that although I look together, I am so falling apart... Yeah- and that bothers me... But what can I do?

So much on my plate- and I feel like that hole is getting deeper and deeper...

Dating really-BLOWS!

So, with the help of a girlfriend- she finally talked me into the online dating thing. Well, I have seen some crazy things... and OMG-things... It is amazing what people will put on thier profile. and the pics that are on there- WOW! Then to see what they have to say! Well, for the most part they are all looking for the same thing. BUT- some are really out there...

Well, I finally took a chance- and went out on a date. After a lot of texting/emails and a few phone calls, we finally set up some time to meet. He was really nice... kinda quiet... a bit younger then I... but he had his act together. Has a great career... done with school - but lives really far. Date went well. BUT then it got really weird a day later. He started to text me strage questions... -and then it went down hill from there. So, after canceling and leaving it at that... for the second date- a few weeks later, he decided to text me. ???? I politly stated that I was not ready to date... and that I need people that are my support more then I need a relationship - only to get hurt in. I am just not ready. OR at least I do not thing that I am.

So, call me old or old fashioned... but I think that men should open doors and walk with you not in front of the lady. AND to chew with your mouth closed... or not to have a mouth full of food and talk. I dunno- what do you think? I am not going to settle. I am not looking for perfection... but gosh darn it... I want to be treated like a lady... that is really not toooooo much to ask for.