Life is forever changing. I am at a point where if people do not listen, it is probably not worth it- if they stick around- then congrats!. I can talk but if people do not listen... then I am sorry, I have to move on. I don't have time to explain. I just need to stay focused on the things that are now that will make a difference in my future. And as of now, it is my child and my school. I am glad that if people stay by my side, and stay supportive...then when my life is more stable, I can or am able to broaden my focus more. Each day I find more of me. And that feels good... I never knew that lost myself. Each day I am able to see more into what I need to do and how I need to be more bold. It is really hard concept for me, normally. I am normally a laid back type of person. These days... I tell people to get out of my way... make way- I am coming thru. I feel that I am learning to not take it and not let people step on me... and start moving in a direction that allows me to stand up and take charge.
There has been a lot of things that have come my way. They have been hard and sometimes seem unbearable. However, I do not feel sorry for myself. Heck, I don't cry about it- it is not worth it. Just like I say to others... if you fall down, get up, dust yourself off and get back up on that damn horse and ride. What else can you do? No reason to blame others, no reason to wallow in the sorrows.... whats done is done. I focus on my child and what I can do to make our lives better for our future.
Living with my parents now... not easy. But I am helping them... they are helping me. It is a relief. I feel safe. Clarissa and I are less stressed. I will not say that I do not have any challenges... Hell, I am 37 and live with my parents. I never thought that I would do that again. I am thankful. I am relieved...
Clarissa is absolutely beautiful. She is only 13 and is always mistaken for a 16-18 year old. I look at her and still see her baby face and hear her little voice... mama- I love you. Like it was yesterday. Everyday- she is becoming a woman and learning about life. It is simply amazing that a cute little baby grew up so fast and is making decisions on her own. We talk, laugh, and have fun, I really could not have asked for a better child.
Life is all about the lessons that we learn. Some are easy to learn and some take time. Some are even hard to grasp... But in the end... we are still learning something.
School is forever there... still. I am so done with it. I cannot stand school for me anymore... But I have to finish. I have come so far... I cannot stop now. I just know that Clarissa is seeing how important school is. I have struggled and am struggling... and when I am done with my degree... I hope to show her how that hard work works in our benefit.
In Feb. I cut off 12.5 inches of my hair. It was awesome! I really miss my hair though. But as usual... I did it for those that bare and suffer thru cancer. It is an amazing feeling to give to those whom have had to fight for their lives. This is only a little thing compared to what they went thru.
