New Years

So- I have to stay positive! I have to stay strong! I will stay positive! I will stay strong! I need to tell myself this every FREAK'N day! Today is the last day of my crazy year- and I have a new one on its way! I will have greatness and joy, and will be positive and strong, and I will grow into someone that I will be proud of.

School will be ongoing, work will be there - and I will continue to change lives... and I will be there for my child and teach her, love her, and watch her grow into a woman! I can do this! I got this! I will keep moving forward! That is all that I can do! Right-!

So- my New Years resolution- to keep my head high- and keep moving forward! Baby steps!

Missing You!

After Adam moved- I found out that my brother in law and family were moving to OR. Although I am happy for them (moving for health reasons), I am sad to have seen them go! Not only was my life falling apart, but I was losing my extended family...I do not have brothers and sisters, so I tend to attach myself to people and hold on for dear life. They moved... taking my niece and 2 nephews! I miss their little laughter, their huge hugs, and their cute voices calling me TeeTee...I miss my sister in law and brother in law-what I would not do at this moment for a hug from them!

Then- all of it- gone!

Do you really understand?

So, to set this up, a little background- stay with me... I am sitting with my Grandmother-who lost her love to cancer (2years ago), my cousin who kicked her fiance out, and myself- getting a divorce....sitting on the couch for Christmas- Knowing that all this is happening, my other cousins' wife says- "I have no idea how to be single and kinda never had the chance... kinda wish that I had that opportunity!-you guys are lucky" My mouth dropped and I walked away. I was so fuming pissed, I had to bite my tongue-I think that you could see the steam coming from my ears! She married her high school sweetheart... and has a great job, 2 beautiful children and has a gorgeous home; I know that I am seeing from my point of view- I don't really know what happens behind closed doors...but the appearance is there...and believe me, I know how to hold up an appearance!

After Adam moved to TN, I had to come home for the first time by myself, after work-alone. The loneliness that I felt was the most depressing feeling ever. To know that I had no one to come home to, no one to call if I was hurt, and no one there to hope that I was safe and to come home to. Well, 3 dogs... but that is not the point...it is not the same.

So, I am now over Thanksgiving, over Christmas, and about to spend yet another holiday on my own. WOW- New Years... I am pretty damn lonely! More then when Adam and I were married/living together...

I know that this is supposed to be a good thing and I know that there is greatness waiting or looking for me... I deserve more... but why does the process have to be sooo hard! After so many years of feeling secure- I am suddenly not secure, feeling open and scared, and most of all- lonely!