So, to set this up, a little background- stay with me... I am sitting with my Grandmother-who lost her love to cancer (2years ago), my cousin who kicked her fiance out, and myself- getting a divorce....sitting on the couch for Christmas- Knowing that all this is happening, my other cousins' wife says- "I have no idea how to be single and kinda never had the chance... kinda wish that I had that opportunity!-you guys are lucky" My mouth dropped and I walked away. I was so fuming pissed, I had to bite my tongue-I think that you could see the steam coming from my ears! She married her high school sweetheart... and has a great job, 2 beautiful children and has a gorgeous home; I know that I am seeing from my point of view- I don't really know what happens behind closed doors...but the appearance is there...and believe me, I know how to hold up an appearance!
After Adam moved to TN, I had to come home for the first time by myself, after work-alone. The loneliness that I felt was the most depressing feeling ever. To know that I had no one to come home to, no one to call if I was hurt, and no one there to hope that I was safe and to come home to. Well, 3 dogs... but that is not the point...it is not the same.
So, I am now over Thanksgiving, over Christmas, and about to spend yet another holiday on my own. WOW- New Years... I am pretty damn lonely! More then when Adam and I were married/living together...
I know that this is supposed to be a good thing and I know that there is greatness waiting or looking for me... I deserve more... but why does the process have to be sooo hard! After so many years of feeling secure- I am suddenly not secure, feeling open and scared, and most of all- lonely!
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