So, for weeks we have been without a manager at work. I do not know what happened... but it is what it is. Well, she resigned... Now a team that I have known for years is being broken up. I am on a team with people I do not know. I am really nervous that I cannot live up to the hype... I kinda feel lost. I wanna run away and start over. BUT I can't. I have school... I have health insurance...I make good money... So, I am stuck.... If I ran, then I am just being an ostrich, putting my head in the sand. That is the bird that hides from fear-right?
OK- one issues down and more to tell ya...
I just got the letter from the mortgage company stating that if I do not pay the mortgage that they will start the foreclosure process. This is becoming more real that I will be living with my parents and OMG.... well, it is a good thing and a bad thing too! I can save money and possibly get a new car...since my car is airless. I get to pay off debt and have no bill stress. I will, however, have my mothers stress... of my dogs... nagging... and a bunch more BS that is just too much to talk about. I am thankful...please do not get me wrong. It is just hard to live with parents after you are a parent too.
OK- more... you ask...
School.... I am not in the mood for it... however, I am stuck. I am not doing well... and I have to be in class. I have no time and the time that I do have... well, I don't wanna do it, cuz I have tooooooo much on my mind to concentrate. OR I am just plain tooooo tired to even keep my eyes open.
Adam... well, yesterday he said some hurtful things... and why I listened... I don't know... but I did. That he knew that we would not stay married forever... LIKE- what the hell is that... Why did you waste my time and yours... if you "knew" that we would not be together forever. I know that I played my part in this... but to say that. And then to follow up by me listening to his sad life and his ups and downs. FREAKING REALLY? I balled my eyes out- to put me to sleep. Was I that un-special? How can one say that they loved me when in the back of their mind they "knew" that we were not gonna grow old together...I know that we said our vows and that I left him for a short time. But you said that you have left too... so then why do you blame me for leaving. I didn't choose you... For heavens sakes... I was married to you... against everyone's wishes... and people pleading with me to end it. I came back and I did try to make what I could work.
I am soooo over this. I just want this damn divorce to be over....I just wanna find someone to love me and make me feel special. I am lonely... and it really SUX! I hate crying over stupid crap... and with the week that I have had... and it is only Tuesday.... I really don't need this. I am about to go postal on someone and end up in straight jacket.
So- recap.... MEN....moving at work.... moving at home...school... anyone want to add more to my plate?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Funny
I am supposed to be doing homework... and I just realized that Clarissa is singing- to a country song. Funny thing is that she does not have a singing voice... and it is cute... she is just singing her little heart out! She is cleaning her room and jamming to a music... and just doing what she needs to do... how cute- finding these cute little things out about our children... I love my little muffin girl...
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Parent VS Friend
Well, I know that I have troubles on my way with a tween living in my home. I have had to experience the parent vs friend this week.
In order for Clarissa to ride and compete with Zoe, her horse... she is to have certain grades. Well, I found out that she has been the social butterfly in class. She has even been asked to leave the class room because she was being bad. It was bound to happen...no one is perfect in any way... But it has and now she is missing a competition and not riding for two weeks. On top of that her cell phone- is mine... only using it when she is to and from school. It was really hard to take away her passion that she has... however, it needed to be done. Her horse means the world to her and she is not only being punished, but so is Zoe... and she did not do anything wrong.
I feel horrible, however, I feel empowered to have make sure that Clarissa is being raised with self respect to herself and taking ownership of her actions-whatever they may be. On top of that...respect to her parents and people that she loves or love her... It was really hard to see her cry and feel hurt for her actions... but she needed to be knocked down a few notches. She is only 12 years old... not 18!
Being a parent is one of the most gratifying yet confusing jobs a mother can have. It is never ending and although we are not paid in cash, we are rewarded with hugs and kisses... or special moments that only a mother and child can share. I can never stay mad at her... she is my world and I love her with all my heart and soul. She is my friend and I know that the love we share is special and unconditional. Although I know that I am always being watched, judged and criticized...by her. I know that in the end, When she becomes a mother herself... she will go thru the same thing... and she loves me... and I love her so much -I am lost for words.
In order for Clarissa to ride and compete with Zoe, her horse... she is to have certain grades. Well, I found out that she has been the social butterfly in class. She has even been asked to leave the class room because she was being bad. It was bound to happen...no one is perfect in any way... But it has and now she is missing a competition and not riding for two weeks. On top of that her cell phone- is mine... only using it when she is to and from school. It was really hard to take away her passion that she has... however, it needed to be done. Her horse means the world to her and she is not only being punished, but so is Zoe... and she did not do anything wrong.
I feel horrible, however, I feel empowered to have make sure that Clarissa is being raised with self respect to herself and taking ownership of her actions-whatever they may be. On top of that...respect to her parents and people that she loves or love her... It was really hard to see her cry and feel hurt for her actions... but she needed to be knocked down a few notches. She is only 12 years old... not 18!
Being a parent is one of the most gratifying yet confusing jobs a mother can have. It is never ending and although we are not paid in cash, we are rewarded with hugs and kisses... or special moments that only a mother and child can share. I can never stay mad at her... she is my world and I love her with all my heart and soul. She is my friend and I know that the love we share is special and unconditional. Although I know that I am always being watched, judged and criticized...by her. I know that in the end, When she becomes a mother herself... she will go thru the same thing... and she loves me... and I love her so much -I am lost for words.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Listening to the truth...
Today was an odd day. Good but odd. My girls at the YMCA- won their 3 game in a row. I am super duper proud of them... and all that they have become. I am seeing them grow and learn so much- that they are really looking like a team!
Well, I come home - and Adam and I talked about a lot of things. I listened to how he viewed things in our marriage - it hurt, stung a little but it was good to hear. He seemed to listen to me and I am sure that it stung him a little too. I teared up a few times... but over the course of 15plus years... we have been thru a lot! It was good to sit and talk.
On a different note- we had fun too. Long story short- we both ended up in the pool and my favorite phone took a swim. The water was cold... but I ended up changing into my bathing suit and swimming anyway! Got some sun and relaxed for a few minutes. My phone on the other hand- well- I have a crappy loaner... and I am not liking it- I really miss my black berry already!
Well, I come home - and Adam and I talked about a lot of things. I listened to how he viewed things in our marriage - it hurt, stung a little but it was good to hear. He seemed to listen to me and I am sure that it stung him a little too. I teared up a few times... but over the course of 15plus years... we have been thru a lot! It was good to sit and talk.
On a different note- we had fun too. Long story short- we both ended up in the pool and my favorite phone took a swim. The water was cold... but I ended up changing into my bathing suit and swimming anyway! Got some sun and relaxed for a few minutes. My phone on the other hand- well- I have a crappy loaner... and I am not liking it- I really miss my black berry already!
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