New Years

So- I have to stay positive! I have to stay strong! I will stay positive! I will stay strong! I need to tell myself this every FREAK'N day! Today is the last day of my crazy year- and I have a new one on its way! I will have greatness and joy, and will be positive and strong, and I will grow into someone that I will be proud of.

School will be ongoing, work will be there - and I will continue to change lives... and I will be there for my child and teach her, love her, and watch her grow into a woman! I can do this! I got this! I will keep moving forward! That is all that I can do! Right-!

So- my New Years resolution- to keep my head high- and keep moving forward! Baby steps!

Missing You!

After Adam moved- I found out that my brother in law and family were moving to OR. Although I am happy for them (moving for health reasons), I am sad to have seen them go! Not only was my life falling apart, but I was losing my extended family...I do not have brothers and sisters, so I tend to attach myself to people and hold on for dear life. They moved... taking my niece and 2 nephews! I miss their little laughter, their huge hugs, and their cute voices calling me TeeTee...I miss my sister in law and brother in law-what I would not do at this moment for a hug from them!

Then- all of it- gone!

Do you really understand?

So, to set this up, a little background- stay with me... I am sitting with my Grandmother-who lost her love to cancer (2years ago), my cousin who kicked her fiance out, and myself- getting a divorce....sitting on the couch for Christmas- Knowing that all this is happening, my other cousins' wife says- "I have no idea how to be single and kinda never had the chance... kinda wish that I had that opportunity!-you guys are lucky" My mouth dropped and I walked away. I was so fuming pissed, I had to bite my tongue-I think that you could see the steam coming from my ears! She married her high school sweetheart... and has a great job, 2 beautiful children and has a gorgeous home; I know that I am seeing from my point of view- I don't really know what happens behind closed doors...but the appearance is there...and believe me, I know how to hold up an appearance!

After Adam moved to TN, I had to come home for the first time by myself, after work-alone. The loneliness that I felt was the most depressing feeling ever. To know that I had no one to come home to, no one to call if I was hurt, and no one there to hope that I was safe and to come home to. Well, 3 dogs... but that is not the point...it is not the same.

So, I am now over Thanksgiving, over Christmas, and about to spend yet another holiday on my own. WOW- New Years... I am pretty damn lonely! More then when Adam and I were married/living together...

I know that this is supposed to be a good thing and I know that there is greatness waiting or looking for me... I deserve more... but why does the process have to be sooo hard! After so many years of feeling secure- I am suddenly not secure, feeling open and scared, and most of all- lonely!

Changing things in my life...

Well, after 13.5 years of marriage and 15 + years of friendship, Adam and I are getting a divorce. I have to say that the both of us have been living separate lives for some time. We were both are not showing our wonderful daughter the true meaning of happiness and love. She needs to know what love is, what it is to be happy, and to truly feel the love and the happiness of a relationship. Not what it means to settle, to put up with, and just get by because it is something that is comfortable. Being lonely is not fun but I am really finding myself thru all this.

We are already having some ups and downs... but Clarissa and I are getting by. It is new to all of us- but all in all, this will be a good thing. With all my friends and family by our side, I have a huge support system. I am not one that likes to ask for help; however, I have to...and have. For that, I am thankful and grateful.

Adam gave me the best gift of all, our daughter-Thank you!

So, now- I am learning to live on my own... Learning to be me... Learning to be reliant on myself... and learning to love and trust others.

None of this is easy- but it takes one breathe at a time... one day at a time... and little trial and error. I have to stay positive, pick myself up, dust myself off, and get back up there on that horse...LOL...

Lions, Tigers and Bears -oh my!

Well, it is not a lion, tiger or a bear...it is a horse! Clarissa has a horse! Her name is Smokin Misty Blue- and has a good blood lines! The gal that sold her said that she should have sold her for more, after my dad found that other siblings of Zoe are worth 10 thousand. Well, for short- we call her Zoe. She is extremely shiny like a penny, in fact she is that exact color. Zoe is 14.2 hands tall and only 7.5 years old. We were able to test her out on Mother's Day 2010 and my parents bought her that day. Everyday for the next 60 days, Clarissa has to have bonding time with Zoe. After that, we are cutting down to 3 times over the week and then the weekend. It has been really tough on myself and my parents going back and forth... It is so worth it-though! Both are really learning a lot and learning about each other- which is why she needs to be around her everyday for the next 60 or so days.

Graduation

I just ordered my cap and gown! I am so excited! All I have to do-is walk!

Death in the Family...

Now that I am getting older, so is everyone else- like I did not know that... right! BUT- you just do not think about that... as you are going in and out of your days... working, school, family, and bills. It all seems to mesh together. Well, my second cousin Jimmy passed on. He was really sick and in a lot of pain! The last few days that I sat with him, I was able to talk to him and say my good byes. He told me, fate- it is a funny thing and smiled! I kissed him on the forehead and then he passed away a day later. He was with his dear friend Connie, which happens to be my sister in laws Aunt Connie. Funny how small this world is!

I will remember him always! RIP.

HORSE OF COURSE!

Clarissa has been getting good grades... which means that my parents are buying her a horse. We have seen and tried out a few and Clarissa has been pretty disappointed about the decision to not get at least one of them... she really got attached to him. He was sweet! The second time around, she did not act like she cared and tried not to get excited or attached. BUT- the morning of the this meeting, she txt'd me that she was super excited. After the people dropped off this beautiful horse, Clarissa already told herself that this was not the right one. Which in the end made it easy for them to drive away! There is one out there... and I have this feeling that there is a good reason that we are having to wait! When that time comes, there will be a lot of changes... and with that a lot more of the responsibility... that she will have. Both Adam and I - and my parents know that. She will be happy and she is really looking forward to competing. She is getting better at barrels. For now, she is loving on Blazer, the horse trainer's daughter horse... he is trained in English style riding... they are going to sell him soon...Clarissa is sad... but he needs a good home to do what he is trained in doing... not the Western riding, where Clarissa is looking to be.

Graduation!

Well, I did it! My associates is done and over with... and now my bachelors program has begun!

In my associates program I waited for the very end to take my math classes. (which is my weakness) My philosophy was; since that is my worst subject- that I would get all of my other classes done and over with. Thus leaving me with just the math classes. I would be really DUMB if I went through all that and did not graduate just because of math. SO- I did all other classes... Loved the PSY classes of course! Then I geared up for math! It was really hard work! Had I not planned it the right way- I would have failed! However, I learned a lot and did things that I never imagined! The other thing is - I had a very dear friend tutor me! Becky was a life saver! Times that I was on my own, I spent 5+ hours on one assignment...that is not good! So, she was patient and calming! She taught me things that I never knew that I had in the back of my brain from High School. On the day that I finished my last class, I screamed! I yelled out, YES! I did it!" It was another "best" feeling moment in my life! I could not stop smiling all night after that... and I called my mom, and started to cry- because I just could not believe that I actually got my associates degree!

In all the time after I graduated... from HS- I really did not think that I would go on to get my degree! I thought that I could just make it... with what I got. I thought that after I was married and had children, that I would stay home and be June Cleaver. Well, that kinda went to the waste-side... and we needed two paycheck and life just got in the way- in a hurry- and years passed in the blink of an eye. Clarissa is almost a teenager...and she needed to know that beyond HS, she needed her degree! Well, she knows that and already started talking about going to UOP, like me! This way she is able to train and ride horses all day... for a job and go to school online... like me!

Thanks Becky for all your time, hard work, patience, and understanding. In the end, I was able to spent time with you and learn more about you, understand your crazy side, and not that we were not friends to begin with but to create a stronger friendship that I will forever cherish! You are an amazing and crazy person and you have a huge heart of gold! Anyone that is able to know you- should be blessed!

AND the race is on! Bachelor of Psychology- Still not for sure where I am going with that! BUT- I do know that I will have a great opportunity one day with my degree. I have a great friend that stated that he was getting his degree to be a guidance counselor... And that sounds kinda fun! I could still potentially teach... but also use my psychology degree to help these troubled kids. Kids these days are crazy and out of control, the parents do not know what to do or are crazy themselves! We shall see! Anyhow- I started my first class in March and already in my second set of classes! They go really fast!

I will walk the red carpet in June! So, I will post a pic later down the road!