Not so CLASSY girl?

Well, as much as I would like to see myself in a beautiful classy nice car or cute little sporty car... I still go back to a truck! I want a truck... rough and tough...lifted a little, good stereo system and tough enough to be tough- 4x4 and ready to get a little dirty!!!! I guess that would take the class out of this little girl! And if that takes the lady out me, sorry... If people do not like me the way I am- sorry- too bad for you!

Back in the day- I wanted a topless scout or older jeep... I still would not mind having one- however, a truck is something that I need. Someday-

Rain

I absolutely love the smell of rain! I do not have a sense of smell, so to be able to smell something- and something that good- is like heaven. So, today- in May- it is 70 degrees... and there was rain! The smell of rain on the concrete, the roads, the dirt and in the fields by my house... SOOO YUMMY!

I love the smell of bleach (makes me think clean), lemon (again- clean), mountain air (peaceful), crisp cold air (snuggling), the salty beach (sunny days and lounging) and babies (kisses and hugs...laughter)... I love a lot of other smells; however, those are my favorites!

Those smells are like heaven... if I can imagine how heaven would smell and be- for me.

The sound of rain is so calming- Though I am stressed, worn out, and beat up- listening to the sound of rain takes it all away. Rainy weather is snuggle weather- in my opinion! Laying in bed all day and just snuggling! The cold crisp air and the drops of the water hitting the other puddles and the ground- splashing up... The wind hitting the water onto the windows... I just love it- it is too bad I was stuck at work... I did not even know that it rained till I was almost off work. I drove home with the windows down... and without the music- I just listened the wind. What a nice ride home!

STOP!

So, last night- I added a comment to my face book... Do you stop to smell the roses? and that life is short so, enjoy what simple things that life has to give. Only one person made a comment... either because I am a retard or people are really just that busy that they do not take the time to see the simple things in life. Everyday, I do something for me. Yesterday, I walked around the building at work. I let the wind in my hair and did not hold it back... I let the sun shine on my face and did not wear my sunglasses... this morning (well I do not have air- not that it was needed) I had all my windows down-I enjoyed the crisp air and had the music up loud... jamming to various types of music. I look around... I love to people watch- and wonder if they take the time to smell the roses - I see them running around and having the hustle and bustle of life... it is sad that they do not take the time to enjoy life. I may not have the best life at this point in my life, but I am grateful for what I do have and enjoy every bit of what I have. Even if I have a crappy car, about to lose my house, will have to stay with my parents at 36 years old... will have all my personal life in boxes and in storage... I know that there is grateness around the corner... I just have to get there. I know that there is more out there. I want to do so much... and enjoy sooooo much!

Judging...

I know that I am constantly being judged... by everyone at work, Clarissa, my parents, and or friends. I try realllllly hard not to judge. BUT find myself judging. Am I a bad person for doing that? I think that I am. Although it is normal to think about things... like that. I find myself saying-WOW! she or he should not be wearing that, or what the heck were they thinking when they left the house... ? I know that I am not even close to being perfect... but I have always tried to not think that way... but find myself thinking that way in the back of my mind. So, I am not saying it, but thinking it... GRRRR

I really wonder what people think of me? Am I a bad person-huh? Well, I try to not be...I try to see the glass as half full... and that each person has a special place on this earth for one reason or another... whether they dress funny or look funny- it is what it is. In the end, regardless, I still care and would love them either way. It is not the look, it is the heart that makes the person. If it was all about looks, I would be on planet Pluto- not the best looking person out there...but at least I try. But I just wish that those dumb thoughts of judging can just leave my mind. It can be frustrating.

A lot in store for me!

I have a lot that I would like to do this summer... I want to see my BIL/SIL... the kids...in Oregon. I want to go back to Vegas- Which Duane just confirmed that he wants to go too! I want to take a personal vacation... I want to get some new clothes that fit... I want to get a new car...

I know, I want a lot- But I think that I deserve it and not only that... it is a good thing to want and work towards those things. Once again- staying positive and pushing forward!

I am sure missing my friend Kadi- We talked everyday- and now I don't get to talk to her at all! Sad, I know... I only hope that she is well... just waiting on her letters. I told her that I would send a care package... I guess she wants toilet paper... ??? Ha- that is funny- but I guess really needed. Besides Adam and living with a guy friend and one boyfriend... I have never lived with a friend that is like a sister. It was awesome for the 1 week that she was with Clarissa and I. I was getting used to it all... Even Clarissa was liking it. We miss her.

Finishing up my class this week. In fact, I am supposed to be doing homework- as we speak- UM- well, I know-I am stalling. yet- again! I will get it all done. I just have to find that motivation!

Being bold is not easy- but getting a lot easier-... I have been voicing my opinions a lot more. I am being more bold about Clarissa and parenting her more. She really likes to take advantage of a situation- although I am not sure what child does not do that... But I think that I am doing better then I have in the past.

She is just also being more bold, as I learn to be bold- but I mean that more in regards to her competitions. OMG- the skill that she is exhibiting...OMG- a completely different person. I am sooooo super proud of her. She is getting faster and pushing harder... I just see her winning more and more.

I just finished another season with my girls at the Y- and it was an amazing season. More wins then losses... and Mark and I made a great team! I thought that we had one more practice but we didn't... so one of the girls and I practiced with another team. Long story short... the mother came and thanked Mark and I for our coaching style! That felt great. If I knew that I would have enjoyed this, this much- I would have done this a long time ago. I have to thank Kadi for introducing this to me! I saw some amazing strides from our girls... that- now, I know that they are ready for High School Volley Ball!

I know that life really does not have to be that hard- but why must we all make it THAT hard. I really am wanting to work on getting the drama out of my life. I think that if I can get that under control, I can be ok. I am so looking forward to moving on and getting on track again. I still am up in the air- that is such an uneasy feeling. I think that if I can get this move thing done, divorce thing done, and start saving money- I will be a little bit better. My goals for school are just moving so slow. And although I want them to move faster, I mentally cannot handle more then I am handling now. So, I feel that I am constantly taking one step forward and then one step back. This dance is not a good one.

I ask myself almost everyday- am I the only one holding myself back? and then- why? I really would like to run! Run away and not look back... but I cannot do that... let alone- think that way. What am I showing Clarissa by doing that. I think that I am a pretty positive person, I just need to believe it and know that I am making an impression that will teach her greatness for her future. So, running away- get out of my head! I need to press on.

This last week has been a bit emotional! Draining and WOW- just exhausting! I am pushing to have a better week - this week. I really have not been able to handle the issues that I have in my heart or head about this whole divorce thing... I was able to let a lot out- this last week. I am glad, but I still am uneasy and feeling like life has more in store for me. Where, how, who, what... I don't know! But as usual, I am working on staying positive and pressing on.

This last Friday- I was able to ride Riddler... Bonnie's horse... and I am still striving to compete in the Gym Khanna- in the Novice group! I learned a lot, Grandma said that if I was able to do some lessons on Lucky- that I could use him. I was sooo happy! I really have always wanted to ride and learn more... problem is, I know what I need to do off the horse... I get on and I am DUH- stupid and retarded! So, I have a lot to learn! I am already getting there. I was really comfortable and confident - so I am getting there... but my back end - well is really sore! I am so excited!

So, something else that I would like to do, is go and shoot my gun! I have had it forever- now... and have not shot it yet! So, I am so looking forward to this! I am hoping to do this - this Friday!

Friends... well, all that know me... knows that I hold on to them for dear life... I am extremely grateful for them. I hope that they know that I hold them in my heart and cherish them. I hope that I am a great friend to them, as they are to me! I only wish that I had more available time for them. I feel like 24 hours a day is just not enough time... between work, school, Clarissa... and the needs and wants of life- I barely get to see them. I love them dearly....

Age is just a number- right?

UM- Clarissa is only 12- but going on 16 or17 years old. I was able to get in another photo shoot with her again... and well, see for yourself.

Graduation

Well, it is not mine- not yet. But I did get to sit in and watch some amazing people graduate. I am extremely proud of them and the accomplishments that they have went thru in order to have a great future, show their family that education is valuable.

I also have to say that it was a swift kick in the rear... for me. I have been thru so much that I was feeling that I have lost touch in the fact that I was in school too- for one reason or another. Why was I letting it out of sight and letting it pass me by? Why was I letting all my issues get in the way of this important thing? I have to finish this for me... and for Clarissa.