A lot in store for me!

I have a lot that I would like to do this summer... I want to see my BIL/SIL... the kids...in Oregon. I want to go back to Vegas- Which Duane just confirmed that he wants to go too! I want to take a personal vacation... I want to get some new clothes that fit... I want to get a new car...

I know, I want a lot- But I think that I deserve it and not only that... it is a good thing to want and work towards those things. Once again- staying positive and pushing forward!

I am sure missing my friend Kadi- We talked everyday- and now I don't get to talk to her at all! Sad, I know... I only hope that she is well... just waiting on her letters. I told her that I would send a care package... I guess she wants toilet paper... ??? Ha- that is funny- but I guess really needed. Besides Adam and living with a guy friend and one boyfriend... I have never lived with a friend that is like a sister. It was awesome for the 1 week that she was with Clarissa and I. I was getting used to it all... Even Clarissa was liking it. We miss her.

Finishing up my class this week. In fact, I am supposed to be doing homework- as we speak- UM- well, I know-I am stalling. yet- again! I will get it all done. I just have to find that motivation!

Being bold is not easy- but getting a lot easier-... I have been voicing my opinions a lot more. I am being more bold about Clarissa and parenting her more. She really likes to take advantage of a situation- although I am not sure what child does not do that... But I think that I am doing better then I have in the past.

She is just also being more bold, as I learn to be bold- but I mean that more in regards to her competitions. OMG- the skill that she is exhibiting...OMG- a completely different person. I am sooooo super proud of her. She is getting faster and pushing harder... I just see her winning more and more.

I just finished another season with my girls at the Y- and it was an amazing season. More wins then losses... and Mark and I made a great team! I thought that we had one more practice but we didn't... so one of the girls and I practiced with another team. Long story short... the mother came and thanked Mark and I for our coaching style! That felt great. If I knew that I would have enjoyed this, this much- I would have done this a long time ago. I have to thank Kadi for introducing this to me! I saw some amazing strides from our girls... that- now, I know that they are ready for High School Volley Ball!

I know that life really does not have to be that hard- but why must we all make it THAT hard. I really am wanting to work on getting the drama out of my life. I think that if I can get that under control, I can be ok. I am so looking forward to moving on and getting on track again. I still am up in the air- that is such an uneasy feeling. I think that if I can get this move thing done, divorce thing done, and start saving money- I will be a little bit better. My goals for school are just moving so slow. And although I want them to move faster, I mentally cannot handle more then I am handling now. So, I feel that I am constantly taking one step forward and then one step back. This dance is not a good one.

I ask myself almost everyday- am I the only one holding myself back? and then- why? I really would like to run! Run away and not look back... but I cannot do that... let alone- think that way. What am I showing Clarissa by doing that. I think that I am a pretty positive person, I just need to believe it and know that I am making an impression that will teach her greatness for her future. So, running away- get out of my head! I need to press on.

This last week has been a bit emotional! Draining and WOW- just exhausting! I am pushing to have a better week - this week. I really have not been able to handle the issues that I have in my heart or head about this whole divorce thing... I was able to let a lot out- this last week. I am glad, but I still am uneasy and feeling like life has more in store for me. Where, how, who, what... I don't know! But as usual, I am working on staying positive and pressing on.

This last Friday- I was able to ride Riddler... Bonnie's horse... and I am still striving to compete in the Gym Khanna- in the Novice group! I learned a lot, Grandma said that if I was able to do some lessons on Lucky- that I could use him. I was sooo happy! I really have always wanted to ride and learn more... problem is, I know what I need to do off the horse... I get on and I am DUH- stupid and retarded! So, I have a lot to learn! I am already getting there. I was really comfortable and confident - so I am getting there... but my back end - well is really sore! I am so excited!

So, something else that I would like to do, is go and shoot my gun! I have had it forever- now... and have not shot it yet! So, I am so looking forward to this! I am hoping to do this - this Friday!

Friends... well, all that know me... knows that I hold on to them for dear life... I am extremely grateful for them. I hope that they know that I hold them in my heart and cherish them. I hope that I am a great friend to them, as they are to me! I only wish that I had more available time for them. I feel like 24 hours a day is just not enough time... between work, school, Clarissa... and the needs and wants of life- I barely get to see them. I love them dearly....