So, with the help of a girlfriend- she finally talked me into the online dating thing. Well, I have seen some crazy things... and OMG-things... It is amazing what people will put on thier profile. and the pics that are on there- WOW! Then to see what they have to say! Well, for the most part they are all looking for the same thing. BUT- some are really out there...
Well, I finally took a chance- and went out on a date. After a lot of texting/emails and a few phone calls, we finally set up some time to meet. He was really nice... kinda quiet... a bit younger then I... but he had his act together. Has a great career... done with school - but lives really far. Date went well. BUT then it got really weird a day later. He started to text me strage questions... -and then it went down hill from there. So, after canceling and leaving it at that... for the second date- a few weeks later, he decided to text me. ???? I politly stated that I was not ready to date... and that I need people that are my support more then I need a relationship - only to get hurt in. I am just not ready. OR at least I do not thing that I am.
So, call me old or old fashioned... but I think that men should open doors and walk with you not in front of the lady. AND to chew with your mouth closed... or not to have a mouth full of food and talk. I dunno- what do you think? I am not going to settle. I am not looking for perfection... but gosh darn it... I want to be treated like a lady... that is really not toooooo much to ask for.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Keeping myself BUSY!
I am just a busy little bee. I am home to sleep. Nothing else. I am out and about... doing things, going places, and just making sure that I am busy- I am thankful that I have a lot of people that are helping me stay busy. CUZ I may just need to check into a Psycho Ward if I don't stay busy.
Friday, went out with friends...I went hiking Saturday, baby shower, shopping, napping, and then out with friends for the evening. Then Sunday, dropped off my car and then dinner and movies with a friend... The movie was a bit award - but funny.... had fun!
Volley ball is gonna start up again in Aug. School starts back up for me in Aug. I will be moved in by Aug. Clarissa will be starting her school in Aug. A lot of change in the next month... and I am ready but not so ready. In fact I am scared to death to live with my parents again. However, I am excited to save some money and get myself back on track. I also want to be around my dad. His health is not so good lately... and that really scares me. I feel that he is falling apart... and I am just watching it happen. I hope that I can help him. So, my goal is 6 months at the most.
Friday, went out with friends...I went hiking Saturday, baby shower, shopping, napping, and then out with friends for the evening. Then Sunday, dropped off my car and then dinner and movies with a friend... The movie was a bit award - but funny.... had fun!
Volley ball is gonna start up again in Aug. School starts back up for me in Aug. I will be moved in by Aug. Clarissa will be starting her school in Aug. A lot of change in the next month... and I am ready but not so ready. In fact I am scared to death to live with my parents again. However, I am excited to save some money and get myself back on track. I also want to be around my dad. His health is not so good lately... and that really scares me. I feel that he is falling apart... and I am just watching it happen. I hope that I can help him. So, my goal is 6 months at the most.
Frustrated at me...
Why is it that I am nice... why is it that I can forgive and act like nothing is wrong? When I should be a B**** from hell and speak what I want/have to say (I have no problem telling it like it is- to myself)? Why is it that I show concern when I am mad and still smile like nothing is wrong. Gosh, I am SO effin pissed at myself. Why can't I be a B****... I wish that I could turn off the nice switch and just kick some A** of the people that make me mad or upset.
I totally B****ed myself out the other day... because I was so mad- instead of B****ing out the person that needed it! and when I was able to speak my peace- I didn't. (walked away and felt that I should just punch myself out)- Then I felt that I was wrong when I was the one that was wronged. There is no reason for me to be sorry... no reason to even feel this way. This should have not even happened in the first place.
So, why am I placing so much of my effort into this... I shouldn't! As much as I try to be the B****, I just can't. People tell me, I will teach you- I just laugh- I just can't... I don't want to be known as a B****. No reason to stoop to others level. I don't want to be on that level- that is just not me.
I totally B****ed myself out the other day... because I was so mad- instead of B****ing out the person that needed it! and when I was able to speak my peace- I didn't. (walked away and felt that I should just punch myself out)- Then I felt that I was wrong when I was the one that was wronged. There is no reason for me to be sorry... no reason to even feel this way. This should have not even happened in the first place.
So, why am I placing so much of my effort into this... I shouldn't! As much as I try to be the B****, I just can't. People tell me, I will teach you- I just laugh- I just can't... I don't want to be known as a B****. No reason to stoop to others level. I don't want to be on that level- that is just not me.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Hiking Anyone...
Found myself a hiking buddy- in fact- TWO... and three sometimes. Thanks to you three...
I am excited, although I am getting up at the crack-o-dawn to do this... it will be worth it in the end. I would actually like to go on my own, but with my luck-I would fall and hurt myself enough for it to be bad or end up getting lost... or better yet, being air-vac'd out of where ever I am. NOT safe. So, I have company and I am going hiking. Every Saturday morning... starting at dark thirty in the morning...
I am excited, although I am getting up at the crack-o-dawn to do this... it will be worth it in the end. I would actually like to go on my own, but with my luck-I would fall and hurt myself enough for it to be bad or end up getting lost... or better yet, being air-vac'd out of where ever I am. NOT safe. So, I have company and I am going hiking. Every Saturday morning... starting at dark thirty in the morning...
Its not what you say, it is how you say it.
Actions speak louder than words.
This week was a bit weird for me. I was hurt, embarrassed, disappointed, pissed, sad, and so much more. And no one knew nor did I say anything to anyone about it to the people that did those things to me. Is it worth it... YES- but why is it that I am all those things, yet turn it around to show concern to the other person, when I should not be the one to be worried or concerned. I did not cause or create the monster... There is not a reason in the world that I should have not been all those things and then some. I had every right.
Abuse is abuse no matter or regardless of the fact- I have had almost every form of it...it hurts either way.
Love and friendship is fragile.
I am learning to disengage and move on. It is not worth my anger, sadness, disappointment, and sanity to waste my time. I put so much forth effort onto things and realize that I am the only one working at it... or am giving my all when others are not. I am staying positive and keeping my steps moving forward.
Actions speak louder than words.
This week was a bit weird for me. I was hurt, embarrassed, disappointed, pissed, sad, and so much more. And no one knew nor did I say anything to anyone about it to the people that did those things to me. Is it worth it... YES- but why is it that I am all those things, yet turn it around to show concern to the other person, when I should not be the one to be worried or concerned. I did not cause or create the monster... There is not a reason in the world that I should have not been all those things and then some. I had every right.
Abuse is abuse no matter or regardless of the fact- I have had almost every form of it...it hurts either way.
Love and friendship is fragile.
I am learning to disengage and move on. It is not worth my anger, sadness, disappointment, and sanity to waste my time. I put so much forth effort onto things and realize that I am the only one working at it... or am giving my all when others are not. I am staying positive and keeping my steps moving forward.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Missing ones that I LOVE!
Gosh, where do I begin.
Everyday, I get to see a sunrise and a sunset- and I see you Grandmama... I sure miss you... I know that you are watching over me in heaven and guiding me thru all my turmoil!
Grandpapa- I miss your hugs. I remember when I was little and there was just NO way that I could wrap my arms around your big and hard belly... so I settled on strangling your neck...lol
PopPop- gosh- it is always the silent ones that you have to look out for... I know that you are also helping me thru this... cuz I know that we had that special relationship that just worked, it was a look and the hug that followed that seemed to make all my worries go away... You are an amazing man!
Tiff- I see pics of us as we grew up... and I smile that I was able to be there as you drifted to heaven. I know that being here to watch the kids grow would have been your choice... but I know that you are with them always. I miss our laughs together.
Vicky, I only wished that I was able to sit and talk with you more. I have felt your presents by me- often. Although, I feel that Adam needs you more then I. But the few minutes that I was with you before you passed... are something that I will always cherish, never forget, and hold in my heart forever.
Archer, Andrew, Akira...Aaron and Amber... Marlena... Gosh what I would not do to have a hug from y'all. I want to hear the kids laughing and feel their little arms wrap around me with their little but big hugs. I know that your leaving was necessary, but man oh man do I miss you! Oregon is soooo far away! I still want to come up there and have a mini vacation with you guys!
Finally- (getting there and working hard on me) I miss myself... I do love myself... that is where it starts! Right!!!? I know that I say that I am working on things... and I am. It just seems like it is taking forever to move on with my life. Everyday when I wake up, I think to myself that today is a better day then yesterday. And for the most part... it is. But I seem to loose myself in all the retarded mess that I have seemed to get into. I really do think that I am making things harder then I need to... or am I just thinking too hard and expecting too much out of me-right now. But why would I not expect more out of myself... ? Frustrating - right? Its this dumb argument that I seem to have when I am alone! Which- these days- is a lot! Well, all I know is that the minute I feel like running, I stop and think of Clarissa and I think that I need to teach her better -to not run. Because the problems just follow your rear and catch up.
WOW- I am sappy today! YIKES! Kinda needed a good cry- kinda felt good...!
Everyday, I get to see a sunrise and a sunset- and I see you Grandmama... I sure miss you... I know that you are watching over me in heaven and guiding me thru all my turmoil!
Grandpapa- I miss your hugs. I remember when I was little and there was just NO way that I could wrap my arms around your big and hard belly... so I settled on strangling your neck...lol
PopPop- gosh- it is always the silent ones that you have to look out for... I know that you are also helping me thru this... cuz I know that we had that special relationship that just worked, it was a look and the hug that followed that seemed to make all my worries go away... You are an amazing man!
Tiff- I see pics of us as we grew up... and I smile that I was able to be there as you drifted to heaven. I know that being here to watch the kids grow would have been your choice... but I know that you are with them always. I miss our laughs together.
Vicky, I only wished that I was able to sit and talk with you more. I have felt your presents by me- often. Although, I feel that Adam needs you more then I. But the few minutes that I was with you before you passed... are something that I will always cherish, never forget, and hold in my heart forever.
Archer, Andrew, Akira...Aaron and Amber... Marlena... Gosh what I would not do to have a hug from y'all. I want to hear the kids laughing and feel their little arms wrap around me with their little but big hugs. I know that your leaving was necessary, but man oh man do I miss you! Oregon is soooo far away! I still want to come up there and have a mini vacation with you guys!
Finally- (getting there and working hard on me) I miss myself... I do love myself... that is where it starts! Right!!!? I know that I say that I am working on things... and I am. It just seems like it is taking forever to move on with my life. Everyday when I wake up, I think to myself that today is a better day then yesterday. And for the most part... it is. But I seem to loose myself in all the retarded mess that I have seemed to get into. I really do think that I am making things harder then I need to... or am I just thinking too hard and expecting too much out of me-right now. But why would I not expect more out of myself... ? Frustrating - right? Its this dumb argument that I seem to have when I am alone! Which- these days- is a lot! Well, all I know is that the minute I feel like running, I stop and think of Clarissa and I think that I need to teach her better -to not run. Because the problems just follow your rear and catch up.
WOW- I am sappy today! YIKES! Kinda needed a good cry- kinda felt good...!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
I am truly blessed. With a wonderful daughter... although head strong and moody... with friends that care and are there for me...and family for telling me how it is although it hurts.
Lately, I have had no energy... I am moving along life as it is coming. Just going with the flow. I am a little bit of a planner... so this is not easy. But easy enough. I really do not know what is in store for me... but I keep hoping for the best. That is all that I can do.
Clarissa and I are seeing a counselor... And I am hoping that I can find more of what is inside me, stand up for myself more, stand my grounds, and not be such a push over. It is really frustrating to be walked on and not realize it till it is too late. I am not a snappy come backer... so this is not easy! As for Clarissa... she holds in anger and it is hard for me to see that hurt and anger in such wonderful giving heart. Especially since she is only a 12 year old little girl. Is her innocence being taken from all this anger and resentment? Gosh- I hope not. Although I think that it is... So, I hope to see that she has a loving relationship with her father again one day. I hope to see her relax and not get so worked up over the little things that she most likely can let go of... and to see her be a kid again. In so many instances...we have forced her to be older then she had to be. I failed in that area... because I did not stand up and take charge. Gosh that is hard to say. I did not think that this parenting thing could be so hard. I thought, you love and live life to the fullest... and bammm- they are a wonderful person in the end. Am I making this all too hard? I am not to take all the blame, but I seem to think that I should. I would like to see her be my little girl again and laugh and love. I really want soooo much more- but I would be ok to see her just be a kid again... and go from there. I just remember never seeing the political side of the parent... as I was growing up! I did when I got older... but in the end.. I was a normal kid- riding my bike till dark, playing outside and having a blast... I remember camping, water skiing, hanging out with my friends, going to the mall and movies... I just lived my life to the fullest... I did not bother with the parent side of things because I was a kid... so how did Clarissa get in the middle of the parent stuff... I can't even remember when it all started... but I would like to try to stop it now!!!
Lately, I have had no energy... I am moving along life as it is coming. Just going with the flow. I am a little bit of a planner... so this is not easy. But easy enough. I really do not know what is in store for me... but I keep hoping for the best. That is all that I can do.
Clarissa and I are seeing a counselor... And I am hoping that I can find more of what is inside me, stand up for myself more, stand my grounds, and not be such a push over. It is really frustrating to be walked on and not realize it till it is too late. I am not a snappy come backer... so this is not easy! As for Clarissa... she holds in anger and it is hard for me to see that hurt and anger in such wonderful giving heart. Especially since she is only a 12 year old little girl. Is her innocence being taken from all this anger and resentment? Gosh- I hope not. Although I think that it is... So, I hope to see that she has a loving relationship with her father again one day. I hope to see her relax and not get so worked up over the little things that she most likely can let go of... and to see her be a kid again. In so many instances...we have forced her to be older then she had to be. I failed in that area... because I did not stand up and take charge. Gosh that is hard to say. I did not think that this parenting thing could be so hard. I thought, you love and live life to the fullest... and bammm- they are a wonderful person in the end. Am I making this all too hard? I am not to take all the blame, but I seem to think that I should. I would like to see her be my little girl again and laugh and love. I really want soooo much more- but I would be ok to see her just be a kid again... and go from there. I just remember never seeing the political side of the parent... as I was growing up! I did when I got older... but in the end.. I was a normal kid- riding my bike till dark, playing outside and having a blast... I remember camping, water skiing, hanging out with my friends, going to the mall and movies... I just lived my life to the fullest... I did not bother with the parent side of things because I was a kid... so how did Clarissa get in the middle of the parent stuff... I can't even remember when it all started... but I would like to try to stop it now!!!
Friday, June 10, 2011
One Thing ata Time...
I am not crazy about waiting on things. I am patient... however, I still want to see things moving along. So, FINALLY! I am turning my car into my mechanic Monday- to get my air back! I am so over sweating my ass off for every drive... looking like a wet mop and a red lobster when I go places. I pick up my rental car- I am so excited. More work to be done later... but first things first.
I have a few boxes packed... am gonna pack a little more this weekend. One thing ata time... I still need to get a storage unit... with AC- so all my stuff is not ruined.
UM- at the end of July- I will have another DEBT paid off. I have a ton more... but it sure feels good to have one paid off... so that I can take on something else that needs paid off. My credit card is paid in full! My garnishment is almost paid off... Now the taxes... and the car. I plan on starting to pay on my student loans.
The only way to eat an elephant is to take one bite ata time. That is it!
The other day- I was so temped to whack off my hair just to see some change. I really cannot be doing that... I have to wait till FEB. I got a trim today and I was able to talk to the hair dresser about the donation. I am moving in the right direction. I am really excited to donate this time.
I have a few boxes packed... am gonna pack a little more this weekend. One thing ata time... I still need to get a storage unit... with AC- so all my stuff is not ruined.
UM- at the end of July- I will have another DEBT paid off. I have a ton more... but it sure feels good to have one paid off... so that I can take on something else that needs paid off. My credit card is paid in full! My garnishment is almost paid off... Now the taxes... and the car. I plan on starting to pay on my student loans.
The only way to eat an elephant is to take one bite ata time. That is it!
The other day- I was so temped to whack off my hair just to see some change. I really cannot be doing that... I have to wait till FEB. I got a trim today and I was able to talk to the hair dresser about the donation. I am moving in the right direction. I am really excited to donate this time.
Friday, June 3, 2011
An AMAZING Song...
You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway
God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway
This worlds gone crazy
And it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all YOUR heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
love em anyway
God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah I do it anyway, yeah,
You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway, yeah, yeah
I sing
I dream
I love anyway, yeah.
Something from nothin
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway
God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway
This worlds gone crazy
And it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all YOUR heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
love em anyway
God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah I do it anyway, yeah,
You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway, yeah, yeah
I sing
I dream
I love anyway, yeah.
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